Employee - Not On Duty

New Way to Hack Facebuke Accounts

2011-02-03T05:11:00.000-08:00

Sed ut perspiciatis unde omnis iste natus error sit voluptatem accusantium doloremque laudantium, totam rem aperiam, eaque ipsa quae ab illo inventore veritatis et quasi architecto beatae vitae dicta sunt explicabo. Nemo enim ipsam voluptatem quia voluptas sit aspernatur aut odit aut fugit, sed quia consequuntur magni dolores eos qui ratione voluptatem sequi nesciunt.

How to make a movie using MSPaint?

2011-02-03T05:10:00.000-08:00

How to install Windows OS to an iPhone?

2011-02-03T05:08:00.001-08:00

Cebu City Mayor Monkey de Luffy Declares War against Mosquitos

2011-02-03T05:07:00.001-08:00

Luffy vs Aokiji : Ussop Wins :P

2011-02-03T05:06:00.000-08:00

Oda is now hiring assistants for One Piece

2011-02-03T05:04:00.000-08:00

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Proin semper ipsum eget nisl pharetra volutpat. In suscipit risus sit amet odio porttitor tincidunt. Aliquam consequat, arcu sed elementum rutrum, odio neque placerat mauris, id egestas est nisl vitae urna. Aenean tempor convallis dui rutrum tempus.

Do mermaids poop?

2011-02-03T05:02:00.000-08:00

How to Install Mac OSX in Pentium III Computer

2011-02-03T04:56:00.000-08:00

Breaktime 9

2009-09-03T11:29:00.000-07:00

dear pepito,
pinagsisisihan ko ang pag-busted ko sa'yo.
sinusubukan ko lang ang pasensya mo noong sabihin kong sobrang pangit mo,
wala kang kwenta, at nang sinumpa kita. bawat segundo, ikaw ang nasa isip ko.
kahit sa panaghinip, nandun ka pa rin.
tanggap na tanggap ka ng mga magulang ko.
mahilig lng talaga silang magbiro nung hinabol ka ng itak ni tatay
at ng sinabugan ka ng ihi ni nanay.
hindi ako mabubuhay ng wala ka.

ngmamahal,
karen

P.S.
congrats pala sa pagkapanalo mo sa lotto
====================================================================
"SULAT"
Dear tatay,
padalhi kog kwarta. Kung walai kwarta walai anak..

Dear anak,
kung ma sulod pa lang akong mata sa sulat.

PIKAT!!!
======================================================================

in US...
they have:

Bill Clinton,
Johnny Cash,
Bob Hope,
Stevie Wonder,
Condoleeza Rice.

in the philippines...

we have:
NO BILLS
NO CASH
NO HOPE
NO WONDER - walay RICE.
=============================================
lolo: kaniadto sa akong 5 pesos
makakuha na kog gatas,
pan, sigarilyo, maong ug
medjas.
apo: karun diay lo?
lolo: lisud na kay naa na silay
surveilance camera...
======================================================
a naked girl rode a taxi,d girl askd d drver,
GIRL: bkit k nktitig?ngyon k lng b nkkita ng bbaeng nkhubad?
DRIVER: d mis! iniisip ko kung san nkatago pmsahe mo?!?
===========================================================
Kano(naka-inom) nakig-istorya sa bisaya
Kano: Hey..hey boy.. is this your house?
Bisdak: no joe, this is my risidens sirtipekit
====================================================
ALAMAT SA BATANG LAMI HAPAKON
BATA: ayo! mo palit ko.
TINDERA: unsa mn?
BATA: naa moy skats tape nga tag piso?
TINDERA: naa!
BATA: tag pila mn?
========================================================
ATTY: Gano katagal kang pinagsamantalahan ng nasasakdal?
GIRL: Mga 5 oras po
ATTY: 5 oras kang ginahasa?!
GIRL: ksama na po ung foreplay dun. tsaka yosi namin pagkatpos.
===============================================================
laki: miss naa moi feyst?
tindera: (naglibog).. unsa na?
laki: feyst bah para papilit sa papel..
tindera: ahhh.. kanang glow?
laki: mmmm kanah.. mao nah..
=============================================
MGA PASOSYAL NA NAG-UUSAP
GIRL1: oh paano ka nakarating dito? did you walk or did you ride?
GIRL2: syempre did you ride! what do you think of me? poverty? oh common?!
==============================================================================
DOC: simula ngayon, bawal na sa iyo ang karne. seafoods nalang ang pwede mong kainin.
PEDRO: ano ho yong seafoods?
DOC: mga hayop na lumalangoy.
===============================
AT A PIZZA PARLOR...
WAITER: sir, would you like me to slice your pizza into four or eight?
CUSTOMER: into four slices lang oi ky basin dili nako mahurot ang eight slices ky daghan ra kaayo.
=======================================================
INDAY: ate, kailangan daw ipa EXTRAY ang ulo ni junior.
MOTHER: gaga! anong EXTRAY?
INDAY: ano po ba ate?
MOTHER: CT SKULL!
=================================
Here's your SIM Card specifications:
GLOBE - middle class, sosyalera
SMART - econo class
ADDICT - prominent, model
SUN - mag-syota, kuripot
TALK 'N TEXT - fish vendor, magtataho, jeepney driver

and.......

TOUCH MOBILE (TM) - alagad ni Cesar Montano, contruction worker, stuntman
Tetetetetetetetetex....TING!

may gani GLobe ko :)
========================================================================
customer: day, a glass of fresh milk nya..
tindera: butangag gatas sir?
customer: ayaw lang day kay luod!!!
============================================
JUNIOR: tay, nangutana si maam ganina unsa daw imong occupation?
TATAY: ingna nga CARPENTER.
JUNIOR: unsa gani ng CARPENTER tay?
TATAY: tigpintal og auto gd.
=================================
Anak: nay buntis ko.. lipong ko..
Nay: dili ka buntis!
Anak: kasukaon ko nay..
Nay: dli lgi ka buntis!
Anak: gusto ko aslum..
Nay: animal kang bayota ka!! kumuton ko nang itlog mo ron!!

ANAK: 'Ma, puede na ba ko nga mag bra? kinse anyos na bitaw ko Ma, puede na ba?
MAMA : Hoy! Joselito! ayaw kog iapil sa imong tinonto!!!!

eliong : tay nasugatan ako!..
tatay : buti nga hindi ka umiyak! lalaki talaga ang anak ko!
eliong : syempre naman po tay, sabi nga sa kanta ni fergie,
"big girls don't cry!"

ANAK: Pa paliti kog Batman nga duwaan!
AMAHAN: (Sos laki jd akong anak ay) Kay nganu man d ay dong?
ANAK: Lami man gd ug lawas c Batman pa..

Son: dad, may I confess ako. bakla ako. wag moko bugbugin pls.
DAd: Ssssh! Wit ka loud, bka ma-hear tyo ng mudra mez! pg 2 lng tyo, carry moko tawaging mother.

sa school...
BAKLA1: friendship! bakit parang ang puti ng mukha mo ngayon?
BAKLA2: helleeeeer! FOUNDATION DAY kaya ngayon. duh?!


Hindi lahat ng gwapo may girlfriend. Ang iba sa kanila may BOYFRIEND!

“stone stone in heaven if right don’t get angry/mad” kamo nay tagalog 

Breaktime 8

2009-09-03T11:28:00.000-07:00

Girl: Sweety, bat mo ko lov?
Boy: Kc, maganda't sexy ka, kaya sikat ako sa barkada ko. parang trophy na nga kita! tapos lagi pa akong nkaka score sau. pag wala ako magawa, andyan ka...
GirL: ganon?!
Boy: Oo, sweety, ganun nga... eh, ikaw? bat mo ko mahal?
GirL: Mahal kita kc kahit PANGIT ka, Mayaman ka nman. may alalay ako pag ngsho-shopping. may Taga-HATID kami ng mga kaibigan ko. kapag nkascore ka nman, may pagtatawanan kami... ang liit kc

Host: Spell "Remittance"?
Juan: Capital L B C
Host: tumpak!
Host: Pedro, Spell "Pungkol"
Pedro: Capital Y T L
Host: wow! laking bear brand!

Nanay: Hoy! Juan! c Maria maoy asawaha ky dako cla ug kalubian!
Juan: c Nanay baya, unsa may pag 2o nmo sa akong nawong?...
KAGURAN?!

BAna: Luv, tug-ani ba gud ko sa tinuod. Mura bag KABAW akong nawong?
Asawa: mo tug-an ko sa tinuod luv, pero promise bya ha nga di ko nmo SUNGAGON!

Amo: Inday, ilang liters yong Coke na anjan sa mesa?
Nday: 4 liters po ati...
Amo: cgurado ka?
Nday: Opo Ati... Liter C, Liter O, Liter K, Liter E... 4 Liters Ti!

Pari nag MISA ug PATAY
Pari: Domini Domini kwarta na kini...
Piano: angay... angay...angay...
Kampana: BAHINNNNNN.....

Customer: Day, mainum ning 2big nnyo?
Tindera: Naa bai tubig nga makaun?
Customer: Di ba! basin ug hugaw ni!
Tindera: Aw! Hugasi!

AnaK: Ma, maka lupad ang Angel?
Mama: Ou, anak.
Anak: "My Angel" man lagi tawag ni papa kang yaya, d man lagi xa kalupad?
Mama: aw! d i?!, karon molupad jud na imong yaya!

MAth Class:
Teacher: Juan, F naa ko 5 ka anak sa 1st nga bana, 11 sa 2nd ug 8 sa 3rd, sa ato pa... naa koy?
Juan: PAGKA-VIGAUN mam!

In USA, Pinoy had breakfast of bread and Jam when a KANo (chewing a gum) sat next to him.
Kano: Do Filipinos eat jam and bread?
Pinoy: Yes!
Kano: We dont. we eat fruit @ breakfast, put oll the peels and seeds, recycle them into jam and sell them to Phils.
Pinoy: Do u use condoms here?
Kano: Yes!
Pinoy: What do u do with condoms after using?
Kano: We throw them.
Pinoy: We Dont. in Phils., we save and melt them down into chewing gums and sell them to America.

Woman wid a baby on a bus:
Driver: What an ugly baby!
a woman hurt and she went to another seat.
Man: What's wrong?
Woman: the driver insulted me
Man: He shud give u respect! go get his name and ID number... i'll hold ur MONKEY for awhile.

Bobo: Pre! hulaan mo neym ko. nagsisimula sa letter R.
Pare: Rene?
Bobo: mali
Pare: Renante?
Bobo: mali parin!
Pare: O cge, sirit na!
Bobo: ARNOLD

NANAY: Anak! Naunsa naman tawon ka uy! Wala ka mauwaw? Ako diri sige panlimpyo pero ikaw sige lang ug duwa diha!
ANAK: Nay! Dili ba mas maka-uuwaw kung ako ang manlimpyo unya ikaw mag sige duwa?

titser: Class give an example of AMPHIBIANS.
pedro dugay nka huna2x) ... ahh Frog mam.
titser: Very Goood... ikaw juan another example of AMPHIBIANS.
juandretso brog den tubang dayon) another FROG mam!!!!

SOSYAL NGA GIRL NANAOG SA BUS:
GIRL: Manong, paki-get my luggage over there. It's kinda bug-at man gud. Feel so hot na me and tired pa gyud. Ewww...
KONDOKTOR: Asa man dapit gibutang miss.
GIRL: There o.. Kanang sako..

Mrs: Naniniwala ka ba na ang babae habang tumatanda ay gumaganda?
Mr: Oo naman.
Mrs: Sa tingin mo, gumaganda ba ako?
Mr: Sa tingin ko, hindi ka tumatanda.

BERTO: Ano ang mas mahalaga, pera o asawa?
ROMY: Syempre, pera! Kasi, ang pera, habang tumatagal, lumalaki ang interes. Ang asawa, habang tumatagal, nawawalan ka ng interes, tapos, inuubos pa ang pera mo

BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako.
GROOM: Kaya mo ito. Di ba dati may alaga kang ahas?
BRIDE: Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!

Sa kasalan
PARI: sana ang donation mo ay katumbas ng ganda ng pakakasalan mo.
GROOM: eto P5, father.
Tinignan ng pari ang bride.
PARI: eto P4 sukli mo iho.

Bata: Lord,give us this day our daily bread with ham,egg and cheese,french fries,salad on the side.
Ginoo:(Nitubag) Day, pagsure uy! Ga-ampo ka or ga-order?

Teacher: Ok klas,are lesson for today is about planets.Earth is the 3rd planet from the sun. Now,what is next to mercury?
Pedro: Murag pharmacy man tingali mam,pero di ko sure!

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking even when people are no longer interested?
Student: A teacher!
Teacher: Yati ha! Get one whole sheet of manila paper long quiz back to back!

Sakop: Lenti kang amoha ka! Imo kong gihimo nga tawo2x sa basakan,unya ako suweldo walay saka2x! Kun mamatay ko,kinsa mopakaon sa akong pamilya,ikaw?
Amo: Eninglisa,kay patas-on nako imong suweldo.
Sakop: Lightning you! Man2x me in the farm,my salary did not climb! If i die
who will eat my family,you?

titser: use DOES and AMONG in a sentence..
pedro: AMONG birds, only parot DOES talk.
titser: very good.. ikaw juan..
juan: wen da kabaw DOESmag da tree na AMONG ang lube


Manny: Hon, I have a neym for our nex bebi.
Jinky: Ano yun honey?
Manny: u-nik ito, kasi i've joined his Lolas neym, Dionesia, and my neym Manny, and also ur neym Jinky.
Jinky: Wow, galing mo hon pero anong neym yun.
Manny: eh di, JUMANJI (JUnesia+ MANny+ JInky).

Breaktime 7

2009-09-03T11:27:00.000-07:00

Juan : Sir, namatay akong ugangan. pila ang cremation?
Manager: 30k lang sir.
Juan : 15k lang budget nako sir...
Manager: okay ra na, i-half cook lang nato.

Ang una namantay c "DA KING"
sunod namatay c "DA BOY"
recently c "DA MASTER RAPPER"
... Wala kaha nakulbaan c ...
"DA GUL"?

Boy : Luv, alang mo bang para kang ta3
Girl : Ewww! kadiri! bastos!
Boy : 22o, talaga, seryoso ako!
Girl : bakit bah?!
Boy : Hindi kc kita kayang paglaruan

Sa BUS:
Isyot : Konsenxa ko maglantaw sa babaye nag tindug, unya ako ga lingkud
Pangkoy : unya, unsa man imong gbuhat?
Isyot : Nalooy man ko, No choice. Piyong nalang ko

Kaslunon:
GirL: Luv, Unsa diay imong MEDOL MEN?
Boy: Buloka pod nimo oi! Middle Name! Magbulag ta oy! Bulok ka! Ambi to akong WELDIN RING bi!

ERAP felt ill, so the Doktor gave him a tablet.
Erap started cutting the sides of the tablet.
DOKTOR: O Erap, why are you cutting the sides?
ERAP: To avoid side effects, Dok…

Nitrates.
A Chemistry teacher asked a sexy student, "What are NITRATES?"
The student replied shyly, "Ma'am, sa motel po.... NITRATES are higher than day rates!"

NAG-DONATE ang lalake ng dugo sa kanyang girlfriend.
Nang silay nag break-up, gustong bawiin ni lalake ang dugo.
Ibinato ng babae ang kanyang NAPKIN at sinabi “Ayan! Babayaran kita, MONTHLY! G*go!!

BOY: Tay, damot nang klasmet ko!
TATAY: Bakit?
BOY: Di ako ini-invite sa burol ng Tatay nya! Di tuloy ako nakakain ng Biskwit. Sa BUROL mo tay, di sya invited ha??!!

Anak: Nay, ang ganda talaga ng bracelet mo! bigay ba yan ni tatay?
Nanay: hay naku! kong sa tatay mo lang ako aasa, baka pati ikaw e wala sa mundong ito..

Guro: Pedro, ano ang Pantukoy?
Pedro: Mam, ang pantukoy ay ginagamit sa panTukoy ng tao, hayop at iba pa. tulad ng aso.
halimbawa: tukoy tukoy tukoy

Guard: Hoy! bawal ang mamingwit dri! wala ka kbasa sa babala?!
"NO FISHING PLEAsE"
Juan: Char!!! Liguon ra gani nako akong pet nga WORM!!!

Breaktime 6

2009-09-02T13:21:00.000-07:00

Laki: Kuhaon ko ang mga bitoon og ihatag ko kanimo.
Babae: saba diha! wa man gali ka kakuha anang kugmo gatambisay sa imong ilong...
Laki: AW! sorry day ha..wala man gud ko nasayod nga gusto sad ka ani

BABAE: ka gwapo sa pari, unsa man akong buhaton para mapansin sa pari? Ahhh, akong ibutang ning panty naku sa lamesa.
PARI: kinsa ning pante diri sa lamesa?
BABAE: ako padre
PARI: naay tae gamay.

ang ahente mitoktok sa balay ug gisabwag ang tae
Ahente: kung di na malimpyo niining vaccum, ang tae akong
kaonon.
Mrs: Hala kaona gyud na kay brown out!

botyok: mama-ak ba ni inyong IRO nang?
BABAE: Loy , dugay na gyud ko nagpuyo ning kalibutan...wala
pa gyud ko kadungog nga dunay IRO nga MANUMBAG.

TITSER : Class, use AMONG in a sentence...
STUDENT 1 : AMONG the trees, the coconut is the best!
TITSER : Very good! How about you Kevin?
KEVIN : AMONG maid gikamang ni Papa!

Samtang nagklase si Maam Isyat, siya nagkanayon...
Maam Isyat : Kinsa ninyo ganahan muadto sa langit?!
...Ug ang tanang mga estudyante niisa sa ilang tuong kamot, gawas lang
kang Pedro...
Maam Isyat : O Pedro, nganong dili man ka ganahan
muadto sa langit?!
Pedro : Maam, nitugon man gud 'to si mama nga paulion ko niya ug sayo!

Wife: Milagro, kasayo gud nimo niuli
Huband: Nituman lang ko sa sogo sa akong boss, Ingon cya "GO TO HELL"..
uli dayon ko..

MAMA: DONG BOTSI KAON TA BLAA...
Soos!! ni samot og ka lain si botsi tiaw nang pakan on ka og tabla sa
sunod kalit og abot ang ig agaw sa iyang barkada og nag kanayon,,,,
IGAGAW: DONG BOTSI KAON TA E??
perting laguta ni botsi og wala ka pogong ni tubag gyod siya og mi
ingon,,,,,,,,
BOTSI: PART ANG TABLA OG ANG ANAAAY MAKAON PA!! PERO ANG TAE, DILI NA!!!!

Manny: Kita na ka ug toilet?
Man: unsay toilet bah?
Manny: kadtu gud naay vampire2

Manny: Jinky, maligo sa ko
Jinky: Lakaw kaligo na
Manny: Ari sa palihug ako number 1 shampoo beh
Jinky: Unsa gud na?
Manny: Kadtu hidden soldiers!

paquiao dela hoya post interivew
manny: i first him first before he can first me..(sa bisaya pa) gi onhan nko siya una ko nya ma unhan.!!!!

Kadto nanguyab pa si Manny ni Jinky
Manny: Tayong dalawa na bah?
Jinky: Hindi. ..., Betty La Fea pa gani

Si Manny mi adto sa courtesy call ni GMA
GMA:"Give me Swiss Steak and French Fries", nag order si GMA sa waiter.
Waiter: And you, Sir?
Manny: The same, Give me sweepstake and first prize, too

Driver: *Noy iatras nako ang jeep, ingna ko palihug kung mabangga na.
Manoy: *Ok! Cge *atras! Atras pa! Cge Pa ! Atras gyud! Kana!! "BAAANGGGAA"!!! …. Bangga na!!!

Pari: Haskang buanga, gigukod ko ug babae na gahubo, sus! Midagan ko ug mitago! *Ikaw Bishop, kung gukdon ka ug babae nga gahubo mag-unsa man ka?
Bishop: Aw..pareha nimo *MAMAKAK!.

Spanish teacher: Class use 'fuera' in a sentence.
Student: Mis maestras son bonitas (my teachers are beautiful).
Teacher: Oh, that's very flattering but where's fuera'?
Student: Fuera ka

Erap calling emergency hotline: Please send help asap! My daughter is giving birth and turning blue.....
Operator: Calm down sir! Is this her first baby?
Erap: Gago! This is her father!

---
Anak: nay, palit tag bebel gam.
Nanay: amew! Dili na bebel gam, Bubble gum.
Anak: whatever! Gae lang ko sinsiyo beh.
Nanay: Kuha lang sa ako Corn First nak!

> MISTER: ano ang pagkain natin?
> MISIS: nasa mesa, bahala ka na pumili!
> MISTER: isang pirasong tuyo?ano pagpipilian ko?
> MISIS: pumili ka kung kakain ka o hindi!

> Ssweethearts watchin' da sky...
> GUY: ano ang horoscope mo?
> GIRL: anong huruskup?
> GUY: yung bang kapalaran mo, katulad ko, CANCER.
> GIRL: ah, sa akin ALMURANAS!

teacher: juan, read your 500-word-essay.
juan: ok mom!
My miming bow! I have a miming! My miming's lost. So i went outside the house to look for my miming!
........... miming!(478x)

Mama: Anak dili ka manguyab sa mga dalaga ning baryoha ha kay puro imong paryente.
Anak: O ma!
Mama: O ngano tutok man ka sa baka?
Anak: Mama sad oy hasta baka akong paryente?

Teacher to students: Okay, form two straight circles and find your height alphabetically!

Angry teacher to student: I want you to bring your father and your mother, especially your parents, understood?! Bring them tomorrow in front of me, right here, right now!

Pasing: Mare, naunsa man na imong son-in-law nga pila ka tuig na mang walay klarong trabaho?
Claring: Unsaon nga shy man gud na kaayo siya.
Pasing: Shy gud nga tabian man kaayo na!
Claring: Shy tiglaba ba, shy tiglimpyo sa balay, shy say tigluto.

Erap: Doc, I accidentally swallowed a chicken bone!
Doctor: Is it choking?
Erap: No doc. It's Max's!
Doctor: I didn't mean chowking. I said, are you choking?
Erap: No doc, I'm serious!

Kano (trying to speak Tagalog): Meg-kanow isang kilow mang-gow?
Tindero: One way.
Kano : Meg-kanow?
Tindero: I sed ONE WAY.
Kano : Aynowng ibig sabeyhin ng one way?
Tindero: Isang daan. Understang?!

MMDA (with pen and ticket to a traffic violator):
Name?
Foreigner Driver: Wilhelm Von Corgrinski Papakovitz.
MMDA: Ahhh okay...(sabay tago ticket)...Next time be careful, ok?

Nag-aapply si Tomas na security guard...
Interviewer: Ang kailangan namin ay taong laging may suspicious mind,
highly alert, insistent personality, strong sense of hearing with a
killer instinct. Sa tingin mo ba qualified ka?
Tomas: Sa palagay ko po hindi. Pwede po bang yun misis ko nalang ang
mag-apply?

Pedro bumps a foreigner. .
Pedro: ay sorry
Foreigner: Sorry 2.
Pedro: sorry 3!
Foreigner: What are you sorry 4?
Pedro: sori 5!
Foreigner: I think you are sick!
Pedro: Bwahahaa sick kuno! Bugo ay, six oi!

Tungang gabie, Hot kayo si misis, hawop2 nya ilong ni mister, gi gitik ang li-og,
Dala pamarayeg nga hung2 sa dungan, love wala na koy panty. Tubag ni mister
Ha! Cge lang, tulog na diha kay ugma palitan tika!

Sa pharmacy…
Boy: Miss, palit kog condom.
Tindera: Sayz sir.
Boy: (gihinay ang tingog pahunghung) hmmm…small lang
Miss.
Tindera: Dili sir, kbaw ko gamay kag ****, ako
Pasabaot tag sayz pesos ang usa ba..

> >This is a Filipino in an American coffee shop:
> >Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?
> >Pinoy: No, Big cup!! Big cup!
> >Waiter: What would you like for your breakfast?
> >Pinoy: Hameneggs.
> >Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, sir?
> >Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much.
> >Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?
> >Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked.
> >Waiter: (with increasing impatience) Would you like your eggs, fried?
> >poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?
> >Pinoy: (with increasing uneasiness) Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or
> >sop boiled.
> >Waiter: And what bread would you like?
> >Pinoy: Begyurpardon?
> >Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white? rye? whole wheat?
>toast?
> >Pinoy: Pan Americano
> >Waiter: We don't have that.
> >Pinoy: Okey, gib me taystee.
> >Waiter: We don't have that either, sir.
> >Pinoy: Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?
> >Waiter: Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask for the last time, what
> >would you like for breakfast?
> >Pinoy: Donut plis....

if only adam and eve were pinoy..
they would not commit original sin..
why??
they would ignore the fruit..
and instead..
Eat the snake..
PULUTAN ito!!!

Last night my pillow saw me sad.
She asked me, "Why are you crying??? tears falling on me??"
Know what i did??

Siyempre tumakbo ako!!! kaw ba namang kausapin ng unan!!! English pa!!!

Pari nagmimisa: sino sa inyo ang may kagalit??
Taass kamay lahat pwera sa isang matandang babae
Pari: si lola lang ang walang kagalit... ano edad nyo lola??
Lola: 93 anyos.
Pari: tingnan nyo si lola.. 93 na pero walang kagalit!! Lola bakit wala kayong kagalit???
Lola: PATAY na ang mga WALANGHIYA!!!

???
INRITS YUR BOCABOLARY: by Manny Pacquiao
TACTICS: tunog ng orasan
PAYT: laban para sa Pinoy
TAYTOL: pamagat ng laban
JENGKEH: name ng dyowa niya
NO PEER: sponsor nya
MOTOR KID: pag-ikot niya sa Maynila
CHECK IN: manok sa McDo
CORRUPT: pagsara ng mata
BARIRA: nakalaban niya
WIT: timbang
WAWAWE: noontime show
DUET: gawin mo
L.A.: Leto Atsensya!!
QOUTES: tawag niya kay Freddie!!!

Breaktime 5

2009-09-02T13:18:00.000-07:00

---
apo: look at those boats lolo!
lolo: amazing di'ba iho. they are called yachts..
apo: yachts?! how do you spell it lolo?
lolo: you're right iho, those are boats..
---
LADY: Father, ang cute mo, bakit pumayag kang magpari?
PRIEST: Ayaw kasi pumayag ni mama na mag-MADRE ako!

FAIRY: Ano kahilingan mo?
PANGIT: May map ako dito ng US, dalhin mo ako dun para makita ko ang babae ng buhay ko.
FAIRY: Hindi pwede! Dito lang sa Pinas pwede ang powers ko!
PANGIT: Maging mortal na babae ka na lang tapos pakasalan mo ako!
FAIRY: Patingin nga ulit ng putang-inang mapa na yan at baka magawan ko ng paraan!

Nanay: Ano 'tong malaking zero sa test paper mo?
Anak: Hindi po 'yan zero, 'Nay. Naubusan lang ng star ang teacher ko kaya binigyan niya ako ng moon! Moon lang 'yan, 'Nay, promise!

In a party, a handsome guy approached a girl and
asked; are you going to dance??
The girl felt so happy that someone finally asked her and she said;
"yes" and the guy said "that's good, can I have your chair??"

Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!

mom: anak lutuin mo n tong gulay!
son: mamaya na! ginagawa ko pa tong saranggola!
mom: punyeta! bakit makakain mo ba yang saranggola?
son: hindi! bakit lilipad ba yang gulay? syet nmn 'nay!

Farmer: lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka na...ano ang balak mo itanim sa sakahan mo anak?
Anak: flowers papa!!! madaming madaming flowers! pretty diba?!

ANAK: ;'Nay, sabi ng titser ko ang ina ay ILAW NG TAHANAN. Eh ano naman po ang tawag sa ama?
INA: (aburido) Sabihin mo sa ma'am mo, ang AMA ang taga-PUNDI NG ILAW!!!

a guy txt her gf
guy = i liked d way you kissed me last night, especially wen uv passed d chewing gum 2 my mouth
gf replied = what gum?...i had a cough, plema 2 oi..

Girl: when we get married , iwant to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden!!
Boy: It"s very kind of you, darling, But i dont have any worries or troubles...
Girl: well thats because we are not married yet..

AMO: Inday, ilipat ang comforter sa kwarto.
INDAY: San ko ilagay kuya?
AMO: Ipatong mo lang sa kama
Maya-maya....
INDAY: Andun na po. Sinama ko na rin ang frenter at iskaner...=)

BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas....
TINDERO: Wala kame ubas
...kinabukasan...
BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas.....
TINDERO: Wala kame ubas
.....kinabukasan ulet...
BATA: Mama, pabili nga po ng ubas....
TINDERO: Sinabi na ngang wala e! Pag nagtanong ka pa, iistepler ko
na yang bibig mo!
........kinabukasan ulet...
BATA: Mama, may stapler kayo?
TINDERO: wala..
BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas

Son: Tay kasab-an ko ako maestro ganina!
Tatay: Ha! Ngano man?
Son: Ako gi kiss-san ako seatmate ganina!
Tatay: tong anak ko, liwat jud nako dah! He,he,he nya lami bah?
Son: Opo tay, gwapo kayo siya!

Titser: Juan, use DOES in a sentence.
Juan: Maam, the carabao doesmag the tree!
Titser: What? What?
Juan: Matabang nimo ug huwat nga nadasmag na!

Misis: Doc, kamusta na Mister ko?
Doctor: Sorry Misis, pero ngayon ikaw na ang magpapaligo at magpapakain sa kanya kasi putol na ang kanyang kamay at paa.
Misis: Haaaah!
Doctor: Hahahaha! Ninerbyos ka noh? Joke lang yun. Patay na Mister mo.

MRS: hon, am I pretty or ugly?
MR: uhm.. both..
MRS: anong both? Pwedeng pretty and ugly?
MR: ang ibig ko sabihin, you're pretty ugly.

Boy nahulog sa septic tank, sumigaw: SUNOG! SUNOG!
" Dumating ang bombero, niligtas sya Tinanong ang boy "
Bombero : bakit SUNOG ang cnigaw mo?"
Boy: kung TAE ba cnigaw ko, pupunta kayo? TAE! TAE! Ganun!?

Teacher: Ok class, si Juan ra ang nakakuha ug 99% sa exam...
Juan (to the class/his classmates): Dah! Kabuhat mo ana? Panguli mo sa inyu bukid oi!!! Kaon mo dukot!! Tanom mo kamote!!! Mga bogo!
Teacher: ...The rest got 100%.

NANAY: Kakusog nimo mukaon pero di gyud ka masugo! Baga kaayo ka ug nawong!
ANAK: Ngano man nay kung ang baboy kusog mukaon unya di pa gyud nimo suguon malipay ka. Kinsa man gyud diay imo anak? Ako o ang baboy?

Junior: Nay, bibili ako ng HIGH CAKE.
Nanay: Hindi high cake, anak. HOT CAKE yun.
Junior: Ok nay, watever. Pahingi nalang ng barya.
Nanay: Sige, kumuha ka nalang dyan sa SOLDIER BAG ko.
------------ --------- --------- -
Junior: Itay, mag-inagt kayo sa DANK TRUCK
Tatay: Ano yong DANK TRUCK, anak?
Junior: Yong sasakyan na sampu ang gulong.
Tatay: Ah, hindi yon dank truck anak, TEN MILLER tawag don.
------------ --------- --------- -
Pasyente ... magkano ang facelift?
Doktora ... complete treatment ay P145,000
Pasyente ... mahal!!! ano bang pinakamurang treatment para
magmukha akong bata?
Doktora ... heto tsupon, P20 lang!!
------------ ---------
ORDER

Customer ... waiter! bakit ang tagal ng order ko? ilan ang cook
nyo dito?
Waiter ... ay, sir, wala pu kame cuk dito...pipse lang po!!

PINAKA LAST: ???
Sa Las Vegas
Waiter: May i take your order?
Aling Dionisia: Soup.
Waiter: Chicken, asparagus, noodle, fish, soup of the day?
Aling Dionisia: Soup drenks lang...

Breaktime 4

2009-09-02T13:16:00.000-07:00

Host: What "N" (narra) is the national tree of the
Philippines?

Contestant: Niyog?

Host: Mas matigas pa diyan.

Contestant: (in a strong-sounding voice) NIYOG!!!

*********

Host: Saan "B" (Bagumbayan) binaril si Jose
Rizal?

Contestant: Sa back?

Host: O sige, puwede rin na ang simula ay
letter "L"
(Luneta).

Contestant: Likod?

Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P." ang
initials ng modern name nito
(Rizal Park).

Contestant: Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa rin yun!)

************

Host: Saan "B" (beach) tayo madalas pumunta pag
summer upang maligo?

Contestant: Banyo?

Host: Hindi, pag pumunta ka doon, maaarawan ka.

Contestant: Bubong?

Host: Hindi, marami kang makikita duong mga
babaeng
naka-bikini.

Contestant: Beerhouse!

************

Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao na
sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay
nalulunod?

Contestant: Lifebuoy?

Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan ng
sabon
ang pangalan ng ito.

Contestant : Safeguard?

Host: Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang sagot
mo.

Contestant : Safe Buoy?

Host: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang
kaniyang
katawan.

Contestant: Ah, Mr. Clean!

************

Host: Anong "S" (Salbabida) ang ginagamit na
flotation device sa dagat upang
hindi ka malunod?

Contestant: Sirena?

Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae.

Contestant: Siyokoy?

Host: Hindi ito lalake.

Contestant: Siyoke?

************

Host: What "S" (Sampaguita) is the national flower
of the Philippines?

Contestant: Sunflower?

Host: Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.

Contestant: Stork?

Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.

Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak?

Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter "A".

Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may suka?

Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at
dadagdagan ko pa! Anong pangalan
ng bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S", nagtatapos sa
letrang "A", at kapangalan ng
isang sikat na singer?

Contestant: Si...Sharon Cuneta!

************

Host: Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess Grandmaster
(Eugene Torre) of Asia?

Contestant: Carole KING?

Host: Hindi, mas mababa sa king.

Contestant: Al QUINN?

Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.

Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA?

Host: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.

Contestant: BISHOP Bacani?

Host: Mas mababa sa bishop.

Contestant: Johnny MidNIGHT?

Host: Mas mababa sa Knight.

Contestant: Jerry PONS?

Host: Oh, ayan na, nabanggit mo na lahat ng
piyesa
sa Chess. Yung
kahuli-hulihang piyesa na lang.

Contestant: Sylvia laTORRE!

************

Host: What "K" (kalabaw) is the national animal of
the Philippines?

Contestant: Kuto?

Host: Hinde. Clue, it tills the land.

Contestant: Kutong Lupa!

*************

Host: Sino ang national hero na naka-picture sa
500
Peso bill? Clue, may
initials na N.A. (Ninoy Aquino)

Contestant: Nora Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nage-end
sa "Y".

Contestant: Guy Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Dati siyang Senador.

Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?

Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.

Contestant: ANO??!! PATAY NA SI NORA
AUNOR???!!!

Breaktime 3

2009-08-28T12:03:00.000-07:00

Sa isang mumurahing airline:
Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
Stewardess: 'Yes' or 'No' lang po

TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal, Andres
Bonifacio, Ninoy
Aquino at Apolinario Mabini?
STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po, silang lahat ay
pinanganak ng holiday! ?

TITSER: Juan, use recharge & caffeine in a sentence.
JUAN: Si 'Recharge' Gutierrez ay si
'Caffeine' Barbell. ?

BUNSO: Tay , may multo daw sa kusina natin?
TATAY: Anak, sino naman nagsabi sayo nyan?
BUNSO: Si ate po!
TATAY: Ay nako, wag ka nga magpapaniwala dun! Wala namang
multo eh! Ang mabuti pa samahan mo na lang ako sa kusina, at
iinom lang ako ng tubig...

PROMDI: Lam ko promdi lang ako kaya wag mo kong lolokohin!
Bakit ganito ang kwarto ko?!?! Maliit, wala pang kama at
bintana..... ha?!?!
ROOMBOY: Sir, nasa elevator pa lang po tayo...

MRS: Bakit ngayon ka lang?
MR: Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates ko, nagkainuman
lang. Hehe! Hik,
MRS: Lasing ka no?
MR: Ako, lashing? Hindi! Hik
MRS: Anong hindi?! La ka namang trabaho, pano ka
nagka-officemates?

Jun-Jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa tanong ng titser
namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser ninyo?
Jun-Jun: 'Sino ang walang assignment?'

Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, maam!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero maam, sabi ng lolo ko, narating na niya ang APAT
na
sulok ng mundo. May sulok po ba ang bilog?

Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar method. Eh, bakit
ako
nabuntis?
Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?
Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.

Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after overtime: Are
you free tonight?
The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... huwag naman, FREE...
Bibigyan na lang kita ng discount!

Girl: Maganda ba ko?
Boy: Oo, kaya lang, Bumbayin ka...
Girl: Hindi naman ako mukhang Bumbay, ah?! Tisay yata to!
Boy: Oo nga, pero 'yung amoy mo, Bumbayin!

REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong evidence, witness or
suspect ano na po ang next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: 'Di Namin Alam '

Man1: Away kami ni misis, nag-Historical siya
Man2: Pare baka ang ibig mo sabihin ay nag-Hysterical
Man1: Hinde, historical kasi inungkat lahat ng kasalanan
ko!'

'Naglalakad ang mag-ama, nakakita ng eroplano
ANAK: Tay! Krus! Ang laking krus!
TATAY(Binatukan ang anak): Nakita mo ng krus eh! Lumuhod
tayo!'

bobo1: Pare, alam mo ba tawag sa paniki na mababa ang
lipad?
bobo2: hindi eh! ano ba pare?
bobo1: Lowbat pare! Lowbat!

Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung top one sa klase. Ang
tinuro ni ma'am yung katabi ko. Muntik na ako!

Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his
translator:
Bush: 'Lets help one another...'
Erap: 'Tayo'y magtulungan. ....'
Bush: '...let's strive together...'
Erap: '...tayo'y magsikap...'
Bush: '...because in union there is strength.'
Erap: '...dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!'

Bongbong -- Pare sinong idol mo?
Chavit--Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Bongbong-- Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
Chavit --Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga idol ko.

Erap writing on a slum book:
Favorite Actor:
Arnold Scharzene... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarze... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarzz... ... (erase)
Arnold Shwazenne... . ..(erase)
Arnold Shwazenner.. . ..(erase)
Arnold Shwarzenneg. . ..(erase)
Arnold Schchwarzenne. .. (erase)
Arnold Clavio

Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka
Pare 2: Madali lang yan, pre ~ sundutin mo tonsils mo (pare
1, sinundot ang tonsils ..)
Pare 1: Di pa rin e
Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo (pare 1 sinundot ang
pwet ...)
Pare 1: Wala pa rin
Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo ule isundot sa bibig mo ... pag
hindi ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!

Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?
Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..basta pareho po yan walang laman!

Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota?
wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!

Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...
Jepoy: SYET! Ang cute nung girl!
Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe!
Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt, na red? Yun, yun ba?
Ha?
Kilala ko siya! Teka tatawagin ko ha, kuyaaahhh Ambet!

Eliseo: Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng kumare mo. Ang
akala niya, ang LAWSUIT ay uniporme ng pulis!
JoshuA: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme ng abugado yun?!

Host: Ano po ang maipaglilingkod ko sa inyo?
Tanda: Pwede ho bang manawagan?
Host: Ilang taon na po kayo?
Tanda: 98 y/o na po ako.
Host: Wow! Ang tanda nyo na pala! O, sige po... manawagan
na kayo.
Tanda: Itay, umuwi na kayo! Hindi na nagagalit si Lolo sa
inyo!

Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa requiem mass,
sinabi ng pari patungkol sa namatay, 'An honest man, a
good man, a family man etc.'
Binulungan ng biyuda ang panganay na anak, Pakisilip nga
ang kabaong kung ang daddy mo nga ang nasa loob!

babae: nong! sakay ko!
drivr: cge! asa man ka?
bbae: diha lang sa kanto! naay bayad ang bata?
drivr: ay libre lang kay duol man.
bbae: ah, ang mosabak naay bayad?
drivr: wala gihapon!
bbae: cge nak! sabaka ko...

Customer: Day, kape.
Tindera: Tag P10 na ra ba.
Customer: Diba tag P8 ra na?
Tindera: Nimahal naman gud ang gasolina.
Customer: Ah, ayaw na lang butangig gasolina!

AMO: inday gipatotoy na nimo ang bata?
Maid: Yes mam! gipatotoy na.
Amo: Ang sir nimo ningkaon na?
Maid: Naah! mam, dili man mukaon si sir, gipatotoy na lng pud nako.

BISAYA: Pabili nga ng lemoncito.
TINDERA: Anong lemoncito?
BISAYA: Lemoncito gud.. yong maliit na buongon!

TEACHER: give me a tag question.
PUPIL: My teacher is beautiful, isn't she?
TEACHER: Very good! Ibinisaya dong.
PUPIL: Ang akong maestra gwapa, wa sya kuyapi?

bana: love, promise sugod karon di na tika luiban. ako nang biyaan ang akong kabit
asawa: wow, tenk you love, ako sad promise, ang sunod natong anak, ikaw nay amahan. promise jud!

security: excuse me po mam, titingnan ko lang ang bag nyo kung merong baril .
tiguwang: buang ka! di man gani maigo ang balde sa akong bag, baril pa kaha!

anak: ma, busog nako, dili nako mahurot
mama: hutda dyud na! kabaw baka nga daghan gipang gutom sa kalibutan?
anak: nya kung ako ni hutdon, mabusog sila?!

pasyente: doc, regular lagi ko malibang. kada alas 7 sa buntag
doctor: maayu nuon na! unsa may problema?
pasyente: 8 am man gud ko maka mata!

Doc: Ma'am, naa kay breast cancer.
Ma'am: ha? tinuod ka doc? dili man ko katuo sa imong gisulti! i'm healthy! naa pa ka second opinion?
Doc: Bati pa jud kag nawong!

ATTY: asa ka pagkahitabo sa rape?
JUN: sa kamaisan
ATTY: nag-unsa ka didto?
JUN: nalibang!
ATTY: pila ka kadupa gikan sa krimen?
JUN: naa bay malibang magdupa-dupa?… . Ayaw pagbugal-bugal 'torni uy!

Breaktime 2

2009-08-28T12:01:00.000-07:00

BANA: Day, kung unsa gani mahitabo human sa operasyon ayaw pasagdi atong
mga anak ha? i love you day....
ASAWA: hilom dinha, ka OA nimo walay namatay sa TULI oy!......PISOT !.............

APO: bilib jud ko sa imo lo. hantud karon sweetheart ug honey ang tawag nimo kang lola!
LOLO: ayaw pag saba dinha. teknik na! nakalimot ko sa ngalan sa imo lola.......

A plane is about to crash. A frantic virgin strips off and says "can anyone make me feel like a wife before I die? " so a man takes off His clothes and says "PAKI PLANSTA!"...

JUAN: birthday sa akong asawa.
PEDRO: unsa imo gift?
JUAN: ask ko unsa iya gusto.
PEDRO: unsa man giingon?
JUAN: bisan unsa daw basta naa DIAMOND.
PEDRO: unsa imong gihatag?
JUAN: BARAHA!!!!!

HOLDUPPER: tulis ni! tanang babae rape-pon
GIRL: maluoy mo ayaw lang intawon i-apil ang akong lola kay tiguwang na!
LOLA: HOY! HILOM APO! tanan gani tanan jud na....

KILLER: padre mangumpisal ko?
PARI: unsa man imong sala?
KILLER: nakapatay ko 20 ka tao.
PARI:unsa! ngano?
KILLER: mu to-o man gud cila uy ginoo. Ikaw padre mutoo ka?
PARI: ha? aww sa una, pero karon jam jam nalang!

AMO: day murag nidako lagi nang tiyan nimo?
MAID: kanser bya ni maam.
AMO: ha?! unsa naa kay cancer?
MAID: wa oi,! kan sir ni bah.....!

Ang sapa bisag unsa na ka lalum..............taga dughan ra jud sa
ITIK...kabantay ka?!.....

CLIENT: sir, mag ilis ta kog apelyedo.
JUDGE: mahal raba na, gawas lang kung balihon.
CLIENT: di ko sir, samot kamaot!
JUDGE: unsa diay imong apilyedo?
CLIENT: LOBOT!

4 job applicants were asked...
INTERVIEWER: "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
GERMAN says: "Thought"
AMERICAN says: "A blink of the eye"
RUSSIAN says: "Light switch"
JUAN the PINOY says: "Diarrhea"
INTERVIEWER: " Why diarrhea?"
JUAN: Lit mi eksplen... Dis murning, I hab istumak ek, irun to di tuylet
but bipur i kud tenk, blenk, or eben swets on di layt, dir was igit
en my pants olride.. Su past! Beri past!!

Empleyado: Boss namatay diay atong manager, pwede ba ako mupuli sa iyang pwesto?
Boss: Pwede man, pero ambot kaha ug mosugot ba ang punenarya!

Erap: guess my favorite food that starts wid "C"
GMA: ah .. Caviar
Erap: nope
GMA: Calamares?
Erap: hindi...
GMA:Sirit na nga!
Erap: "SEA FOODS"

teacher: gamitin ang "tayutay" sa pangungusap..
juan: si tatay ay nadapa....
"tayu tay!, tayu tay!"

"kung ikaw ay pinagpapala......
isa kang construction worker...."

"re charge! re charge! re charge!"
tawag ni anabell rama sa anak nya...

kung totoo ang ' Darwin 's theory of evolution' na ang tao ay nagmula sa unggoy, bakit may mga taong mukhang kabayo?

may nakakita sakin sa dalampasigan. malungkot at nagiisa. sabi niya, 'kung mahal mo siya, bakit di mo ipadama?' sumagot ako, 'mahal ka diyan?!!! naiwan ako sa outing tanga.'

HISTORY 101:
JUDAS: anong gimik yang hinuhugasan ni Magda ang paa ni Bossing?
PETER: wag kang makialam, darating ang araw at tatawagin yang FOOT SPA.

ATE: pabili ng pilis.
TINDERA: ano po?
A: pilis po!
T: ha? Dilis?
A: pilis po.
T: ano? Philip?
A: pilis nga! Yung nudols.

a thirsty city girl went to a barrio
GIRL: where galing your water manong?
MATANDA: sa ilog ineng.
GIRL: ha? You drink that water manong?
MATANDA: duhhh! Why, sa syudad ba chine-chew?

magsyota sa motel.
BF: alam mo love, ikaw ang first girl na dinala ko dito.
GF: sinungaling. Sabi nila lagi ka dito!
BF: oo, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!

a boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
If I give you P3M less 17%, how much would you take off?
SECRETARY: everything sir! Dress, bra, panty!

TEACHER: ano ang pambansang ibon?
BOY: chicken?
TEACHER: hindi! kulay brown ito!
BOY: fried chicken!
TEACHER: hindi! mas maliit ito sa chicken.
BOY: knorr chicken cubes!
TEACHER: get out!

Breaktime

2009-08-28T11:08:00.000-07:00

The girl texted her boyfriend, "mahal, punta ka sa bahay, walang
tao..."
Nagmamadali umalis ang boyfriend!
Pagdating sa bahay ng girlfriend.. .
Katok cya ng katok!
Walang ngang tao! hehehe

************ ********* *******
Panibagong sagot sa tanong na: "musta lovelife?"
"Eto self supporting."

************ ********* *******
Anak: Tay, totoo po bang may multo?
Tatay: Anak walang multo! Bakit mo naitanong?
Anak: Sabi kasi ni yaya merong multo!
Tatay: Anak...Tangina naman, wala tayong yaya!

************ ********* *******
Bahay ng mag-asawa pinasok ng killer....
Killer: Bago ko patayin lahat ng biktima ko ay kinikilala ko muna.
Ikaw mrs, ano pangalan mo?
Mrs: Inday po.
Killer: Napakagandang pangalan, kapangalan mo nanay ko.
Hindi na kita papatayin. Ikaw mr, ano pangalan mo?
Mr: Ah Pedro po, pero my friends call me Inday.

************ ********* *******
Mag-ama nakasakay sa barko habang bumabagyo...
Anak: Tay! Nag-aalala po ako. Parang lulubog ang barko.
Tatay: Tanga! Ba't ka mag-aalala eh di naman atin ito!

************ ********* *******
Isang binata naputulan ng parehong braso, pagdating sa ospital:
Binata: Doc gamutin myo po ako naputol parehong braso ko.
Doc: Mga anong oras ka ba naputulan?
Binata: Mga 10 oras na po.
Doc: 10?! Eh bakit ngayon ka lang pumunta dito?
Binata: HALLER! Mahirap kaya pumara ng jeep!!

************ ********* *******

Nanay: Papauwi ka na ba? Asan ka na?
Anak: Andito po ako sa ospital...
Nanay (umiiyak): Ha? Ano nangyari sayo?!
Anak: Nay, nurse po ako, duty ako ngayon!

************ ********* *******
A large signboard says: "ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY."
Nakita ng lasenggo... "So what?! Sino ba nagmamadali? "?

************ ********* *******
Economics Professor: "Now tell me what is the similarity between your
bank account and a bra?
Student: "Well, the more in it, the better interest you get."

************ ********* *******
Nanay: Langya! Anak buntis ka?
Anak: Opo nay...
Nanay: sinong may gawa nyan?
Anak: Nay, project po ito tungkol sa miracle of life.
Nanay: Putrages kahit ba sinong Poncio Pilato ang bumuntis sayo
pakukulong ko. Sabihin mo! Sino?!
Anak: Nay...marami po eh...group project...

************ ********* *******
Man to Doctor: Is there a way for long life?
Doc: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Doc: No, but the thoughts of long life will never come to your mind
again.

************ ********* *******
Wife mad at drunk husband: From now on, lips that
touch liquor will never touch mine...
(Later she said): What are you thinking?
Husband: Trying to decide between 12year old scotch and 50year old
lips.

************ ********* ****
Son to dying father: Itay, ano po ang gusto nyo, magpalibing ba o
magpa-cremate?
Ama:Ikaw na ang bahala, anak. I-surprise mo na lang ako.

************ ********* ****
Wife: Dear....nahihirapan akong huminga....
Husband: Dear...kung nahihirapan ka na, e
di itigil mo na! O, di bah!

************ ********* ****
Pacquiao: Honey, buksan mo na yun sweets.
Jinky: Nasan honey? Ang lambing mo naman. May pasalubong ka pa sakin!
Pacquiao: Yung sweets ng ilaw. Ang dilim kaya!

************ ********* ****
Pulis: Sino nakakita sa aksidente?
Vendor: Ako sir, ako!
Pulis: Buti naman may witness. Kita mo ba plate number?
Vendor: Oho! Nagsimula ho sa 4
Pulis: Ano kasunod?
Vendor: Registration.

************ ********* ****
Erap disembark from a PAL flight and was met by reporter who asked,
"Sir, what do you think of the economy?"
Erap: I don't know. I was seated in the first class.

************ ********* ****
Misis: Darling, akala ko ba, mahal mo ako...
Mister: Oo nga! Handa akong mamata alang-alang sayo.
Misis: Sus! Puro ka naman satsat, hindi mo naman ginagawa!

************ ********* ****
Tony: Ikaw na naman? Tatlong beses mo na akong na-holdup ngayong taon,
ah!
Holdaper: Ganu'n talaga brod.
Inaalagaan ang good customer!

************ *********
****
A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage,
"Did you see me rob the bank?". First hostage says,
"Yes", and is immediately shot. The robber asks second hostage, "Did
you see me rob the bank?"
Second Hostage, "No, but my wife did."

=======================
PS. email ni gikan ni wensan

What the Fact

2009-01-22T01:50:00.000-08:00

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick??)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than “going blind!”)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.”

(Is this a great country or what? Well . . . not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of …. ?) (Did the government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don’t have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.) LOLZ
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last: Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Money isn't everything

2008-12-17T02:49:00.001-08:00

Concentrate on your job...otherwise?

2008-12-17T02:45:00.000-08:00

Global financial crisis and its impact

2008-12-17T02:42:00.000-08:00

Boss Reaction During Recession

2008-12-17T00:37:00.000-08:00

In the begining.....Boss: Be good, you will be fine.

After a week... Must Work Hard k?

After a month...Must Work very Hard, yu know!

After a Quarter.... Can you hear me? you must work hard!!!

Intelligent farmer

2008-12-14T05:24:00.000-08:00

Newly wed

2008-12-14T05:22:00.000-08:00

Proud wife???

2008-12-14T05:20:00.000-08:00

Never cheat your wife or else...

2008-12-14T05:16:00.001-08:00

Idol ko, dog ko...

2008-12-14T05:12:00.000-08:00

This is what is going to happen if you wish to be like your dog.Cool door anyway...T_T

Husband's brilliant idea

2008-12-14T05:10:00.000-08:00

Wife's wish is granted

2008-12-14T05:08:00.001-08:00

It's important to have friends

2008-12-14T04:48:00.001-08:00

Top Four Adult Jokes (18+)

2008-12-14T04:37:00.000-08:00

Fourth Place :
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'

Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

Second Place:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what20happened?'

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'

Winner :
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly r eplied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal...

Ready for World War 3 ?

2008-09-14T18:50:00.000-07:00

THE Right Brain vs Left Brain test

2008-09-09T17:17:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I received an interesting email from my friend…Just take a look on this picture….Clockwise or anti clockwise????… do you see the dancer turning clockwise or anti-clockwise?

If clockwise, then you use more of the right side of the brain and vice versa.
Most of us would see the dancer turning anti-clockwise though you can try to focus and change the direction; see if you can do it.

I see it clockwise while most of my friends see it anti-clockwise and i am so confused, how they can see it anti-clockwise …but finally….after try very very hard… turn my head up and down…
FINALLY!!… i can see it anti-clockwise :) But need a lot of focus and concentration on it..

So how bout you?

IT sa CITE batch 6

2008-08-29T21:13:00.000-07:00

Glendon Alimin
John Reeve Belarmino
Carl Anthony Campos
Alex Culango
Joenar Dalumpines
Ryan Dupay
Victoriano Eco II
Ronald Enclonar
Johnric Godinez
Jerry Laborte
Jim Carl Luzano
Licerio Maeza
Joseph Marvin Magdadaro
Ramil James Mangapis
Ryan Christoper Maramot
Mitchell Masinas
Paulino Muñez
Francis Ray Ranile
Reynold Salceda
Jeb Agustin Saldariega
Rholyn Sampan
Kenneth Sotto
Michael Sumayang
Chrissan Versoza
Roel Villarba